Feedback for a short talk on lifetime tracking?

The OKC functional programming group is doing a set of short talks (5-15 minutes) later this month, and I've signed up to do an introduction to Rust's lifetime tracking feature. Given the time constraints, I don't think I can do much more than an example to show what it does and talk about why it's a great thing, so that's what I've planned.

My planned text can be found on draftin. Any and all suggestions and feedback would be appreciated.